Please let me in to New Zealand
I promise I won’t bring the plague
But America seems to have lost its damn mind
In a million and one different ways
So please let me in to New Zealand
The land where the kiwi birds sing
I’ll get good at rugby and that weird shouty song
Oh, Jacinda, I’ll do anything

Well first things first, let’s get the air clear
I want to go breathe in your air
‘Cause the west coast’s been burning for what feels like a year
And the particulates in the sun’s glare
I’m tired of squeezing my cardio sessions
Into gaps when it’s clear for a day
And if I’m breathing smoke, it should at least get me stoned
But I’ve been dry as the outback since May

So please let me in to New Zealand
Take pity on a poor, dirty schmuck
‘Cause America’s gone and it’s fucked up so bad
That it seems like we’re shit out of luck
Oh please let me in to New Zealand
The land where the kiwi birds fly
I’ll learn how to jetski and buy a new gravel bike
Oh Jacinda, please don’t make me cry

I should probably say that I’m sorry for claiming
that your country doesn’t really exist
You’ve even been left off the flag of the UN
You have every right to be pissed
And I’m sorry I said the kiwis steal your thoughts
And only Marmite can make you immune
And I’m so ashamed that I ever claimed
They filmed Lord of the Rings on the moon

But please let me in to New Zealand
I have at least one professional skill
And I’ll use it to lift your economy up
And also pay my entire tax bill
Oh please let me in to New Zealand
The land where the sheep run the show
When you finally let Yankees back into your land
Oh, Jacinda, won’t you please let me know?